a creative journal for artists full of love and farts 🩷💨

One of the things that surprised me when I came out genderqueer is how much permission it gave me to truly slough off expectations of female presentation and sexuality.

It tooks years of unlearning to embody my luscious feminine self and I love her deeply. But I didn’t realize how much my wild feminine was still held back by ingrained ideals of “how to be attractive” quietly limiting my self expression.

Embodying my masculine is a process, in progress. There is so much more stiffness in the masculine, and integrating it into my feminine is an active adventure in releasing shame, cultural ideals, and getting out of my head and into my body.

That’s another thing that surprised me when I came out: how much more I could be inside my body. I’m still working on this too. It didn’t suddenly change, rather I became aware that I can come into alignment with my body through gender euphoria.

This is the most exciting aspect of transitioning. However nervous I may be, each step is like discovering a garden within myself growing plant life that I never knew existed before.

What if our cultures didn’t have gender roles and stereotypes to tell you who you are, how you should be, who you should love, and what’s possible for your life?

Often, people attempt to undermine gender expansiveness by asking for definitions of what is a woman (always a woman; never a man). And in doing so, they miss the point entirely. Which is, and will always be, the right to self determination.

"Contemporary notions of self-determination usually distinguish between internal and external self-determination, suggesting that self-determination exists on a spectrum. Internal self-determination may refer to various political and social rights; by contrast, external self-determination refers to full legal independence/secession for the given 'people' from the larger politico-legal state. (Cornell Law)"

In direct opposition to self determination is biological determinism, the widely-held misconception that biology dictates the characteristics of people within social categories, while social and environmental factors play no part in who a person is or may become. This concept is used as justification throughout history to oppress groups based on race, gender, and disability.

The ideological backbone of Patriarchy is built on the concept of biological determinism. Biological determinism endangers women across the world. It undermines the infinite ability of women by placing them in a subserving position to men by way of nature. Hogwash! Blasphemy!

Therefore, the shared struggle of our inherit right to self determination can form a strong basis of solidarity across countless intersections, including cis and trans people.

People are more than their body. Most people know this, feel this in their bones. Gender is part of who I am. It cannot simply be seen anymore than you can hold my consciousness in your hands.

Freedom in self is the greatest unintended joy of coming out genderqueer. Everything I ever thought I was limited by is absolute bullshit. The positive repercussions of this realization integrated into a life, a community, a society are beyond my wildest imagination.

Happy Pride 🌈 We’re not going anywhere, fckrs. So get loved.

What I’m Working On This Month

Last month my intention was, “doing less, better.” Well, I sure got the hang of doing less.

I decided to write about surgery next month since June is Pride and the next newsletter will be sent after I’ve crossed the six weeks post-op threshold.

Though recovery is a roller coaster, I am doing wonderfully overall and am blessed with lots of loving support during this time. Thank you to everyone who has reached out or just had a lovely thought; I appreciate you.

This month I’m working on staying in the flow while putting one foot in front of the other.

I’ve got a lot on my plate and more helpings coming, which means it's all the more important to stay grounded, relaxed, and steady in service of pushing forward things that are important to me.

Creative Goals Check-in

My goals last month were to

  • bring poems together for my poetry book ❌
  • listen to five years of Voice Memos to find songs I want to record ❌
  • quit smoking for surgery ✅
  • rest, rest, rest (& play video games) ✅

I quit smoking and played a good bit of Detroit Become Human during recovery. I’m still playing the game but it’s my first week back at work now, so I’ve cried through going back shifted into the routine and am starting to get my work legs about me again. The serious amount of healing my body is still doing became hyper apparent to me when I started trying to return to my routine.

This Month’s Goals

Back to School for Summer

As we shift into quarter three of this year (already?!), I’ll be returning to school for a Summer semester because I took Spring off for surgery. I’m taking Ableton Live Fundamentals and Music Notation and Score Preparation.

School will take over as my creative priority and likely require most, if not all, of the time I am willing to dedicate to passion projects since I have a partner and work full-time.

My goal is to meet or exceed deadlines and absorb as much information as I reasonably can from each course.

Continue to Rest & Rely On Support

Recovery has been a great experience in trust. It’s strengthened my relationship to put more trust in my partner and rely on her. S

omewhere along the way, I internalized some feeling of needing to contribute my share so as not to be a burden. My goodness has this idea been tough to contest with as the recovery period stretches on.

I pushed myself one day to help with meal prep and my body’s pain response told me, again, to choose trust. A poem of mine snuck up to remind me,

You have you
I know it’s not enough
so give it away
I dare you to trust

That’s it! I'm keeping it simple and leaning into the need for deep relaxation.

The universe is alive; you are it and it loves you. This period of rest has reminded me to embrace the invisible magic of trust.

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Things I Love

Thanks for reading. I'm wishing you many joy-filled moments this month.

With big love and badassery,
Conner Carey

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