Why Not Me? Expanding Self-Perception (Note #2)

Nothing makes anyone more special or capable than you.

Don't you dare let anyone (or anything) convince you otherwise.

You can do it, accomplish it, create it (what-so-ever it is) — if you’re willing to go on the journey and commit to the process.

This world, with all its silliness and meddlings, be damned.

You are more powerful.

I spent so much time telling myself reasons why I couldn’t make music:

• I don’t know how to play piano.
• I don’t have the resources to pay for production.
• It’s too hard to succeed.
• Blah, blah, blah.

I hardly heard myself repeating the thoughts that grew as branches from a rooted belief I learned about myself:

"This isn't possible for me."

Yet the desire haunted me, masquerading as sadness, bitterness, and longing. The feelings sat on my shoulders like tiny ghosts, "hee"-ing and "haw"-ing about decisions I could-have, should-have made.

As I approached 30, I realized how much I would have learned from 20 to 30 if I’d diligently focused my energy. Which led to a new thought, "what can I learn in the decade I am about to receive?"

This line of thinking showed me a way out.

Instead of deciding my voice memos can't become songs I'm excited to share, I started asking, "what would it take?"

I did not like the answer! The answer was overwhelming.

Once again, the laundry list of why not populated my brain: "I don’t know music theory. I don't know how to produce music. I don't even know everything that I need to know!"

But none of that changes if I don't change it.

Here’s the kicker: I still don’t know how to produce my music! Ha! But,

• I started pursuing a part-time degree with Berklee Online.
• I took two classes each on music theory and music business — wow, did they open my eyes.
• I take piano lessons every other week and (try to) practice daily.

Now, I'm in my second year of school and first music production course!

I'm committed to the journey and deeply appreciative to have supportive friends and family. Nonetheless, working full-time while taking two classes a semester is no joke. I'm so busy it's silly.

And, it’s worth every early morning, late night, and weekend.

I had my first appointment with a new psychiatrist recently. I found myself telling her, “I don’t struggle with depression often anymore because I’m actively following my dreams.”

The words sat in the air like a neon sign. I don’t struggle with depression often anymore. Anxiety? That’s for me and the psychiatrist to discuss.

But the ghosts of my desire are no longer haunting me.

I feel purposeful in my weekly decisions to show up for myself by continuing to learn and create. And I am learning how to best support my most realized and unabated self along the way.

It’s not about the end goal, of which I have many. I will get there (and build new dreams upon the old) because I have no intention of stopping.

In which case, there’s nothing left to do but enjoy the ride.

With love and badassery,
Conner Carey

Appropriate

Monserrat Iñiguez

You hear my name and want songs of serape swirls
in desert dust.

You see my face and want tongue
-of-fire-voice-of-smoke.

From my skin you want cactus
smooth with prickly edge.

You yearn for my aloe.

I could dance with firebirds if that would please you
But desire is snakeskin in oil derrick.

I could implume myself with feathers mesoameric
But the hunt would become jaguar.

You want me
doused in vinaigrette.

Talladega 10

The Chattahoochies

Led by masterful songwriter, Audra Mae [Avicii, Celine Dion, Miranda Lambert] The Chattahoochies are taking the O out of country.

Prepare to cackle. Don’t like cØuntry? This song will change your mind!